In Carlos’ Shoes: My Tribute.

Similar to Carlos my sophomore year I injured myself. Actually I injured my knee and we all know how dancers are if one thing goes wrong.  It’s like the whole world is falling down. This feeling only occurs because we love what we do so much. Actually we all experience pain in every art form, being an artist you automatically sacrifice something of yourself in order to be here.  While being here you will be on an emotional roller coaster. For example: like being depressed or sad while injured is common, and literally goes hand and hand that it cannot be separated. Being and college while this happened gave me an outlet to go to parties. When I was injured and I drank more than usual, I went out more often, and this to me was a way I relieved my stress.

This is how artist school students are when they first come to college

This is how they are the second year when you feel too cool for actual school and the freshman.

This is how dancers are when they are injured.

This is how we are watching dance classes

This is how we cope with our problems. 

And this is how we are drunk

Most of times I find myself being like the guy in the background of these pictures at parties

Being Carlos this weekend I attended two parties this weekend. One was in center stage and the other was 1910 the ugly Christmas sweater party.

This is how I got ready.

Center stage                                                                    

 Step ONE!!!! Apply a lot of make on your face when I say a lot go for it. The goal is to not look like yourself and look like your favorite Disney channel star.

I got dressed in a really cute outfit                                                 

 I wore a black crop top with clack high wasted 

pants with heels.

This was the one party where I did not drink

and stayed sober so That’s why I decided to

wear heels.

We went to the party in center stage and had a good time. Overall I did not have to drink to have a good time. I enjoyed myself because of the company that kept me but I AM NOT BASHING DRINKS!!!

 Here goes nineteen ten……

 The first thing I did was get FUCKED UP!!!!!!

WE pre-gamed before anything so when I got dressed and did my makeup I must say it was not my best at all actually its really funny cause while I was getting dressed all I could remember was telling my brother Andrew that the Christ max sweater idea is a hot mess. To be honest I was told I said “Everyone was gonna to look like little minions and I was going to be a star"……….LOL.

The things drunken people say…

Here are the selfless I took of myself while getting dressed/pre-gaming/ talking shit.

These are all the stages of diva I hit that night as you can tell by the crazy filtered picture that I was feeling myself and though that at one point I was Zoe Saldana. 

We walked to the party and the on our way there just being ten times more alive we sang our favorite songs there and laughed and glorified the end of our semester. While I got there I just thought about how much of a  great time I was having and me and my friend Kevin decided if you can't be happy you can at least be drunk. Many people don't realize this but alcohol is one of the top things college kids over use is college. Why do you guys think we think? Or why do all of us drink? Does it satisfy you does it give you happiness or does it make you forget about all the things that suck compared to the awesome time you may be having. For me and other dancers we acknowledged we drink more and gain weight under more stress as we walked into the party my favorite song was playing.

This was Body party by Ciara. The music they had there that night was so good, want to know why because the dancers were djing.

They played songs like

Chris brown Love more

Miley Cyrus 23

Miley Cyrus we can't stop
Savage Red nose

Savage Gas Pedel

and many more song that anyone could  twerk to, speaking of twerking when my song Red Nose came on i started doing the dance and some girl came up to me and asked could we play better music…………..I LOOKED AT HER CRAZY for that was the  best song to me at the moment. I purely ignored the little girl and didn't reply. God must have not liked me that night because twenty minutes later I popped my knee out of the socket. I wasn't shocked but I was sadder. It was like I automatically lost my buzz. I sat down with my friend Lloyd and realized that trying to stand up and dance wasn't an option that at that time while being slightly drunk I had to acknowledge that I was injured. That I felt paralyzed and was annoyed by people asking me if i was ok… I mean I felt like they thought I was crippled. It was that moment I had to deal with my chronic injury, after thinking that I would be able to avoid it or escape my problems by drinking. I learned a lot Saturday night it was one of the best night of my life and the worst at the same time. The message that you can’t run away from your problems, because they will chase you is true. So I want to tell Carlos that I understand how you feel and how being injured can weigh you down but I’m happy you are addressing now and not running away from it. Cause you don't want to have a chronic injury or feel paralyzed for life.

Coming To an End

It has been awhile since I originally decided to leave school, go back home to be with family and finish my schooling there. So much has happen from then to now. One of the major incidents that I encountered was breaking my foot. This definitely put me in a stump and made me over look the decisions I have made for my future. Then it hit me, I AM BEING FUCKEN STUPID! If money was one of the reasons why I am leaving UNCSA then I should stay. There’s no other school is Southern California that is cheaper than this school and no other school would let me enter as a senior. So over all I would be spending more money because I would have to repeat one or more years if I transferred to another school. Yea that’s not going to happen! So I decided I might as well return for my senior year and finish my schooling at UNCSA, the way I originally intended when I arrived as a freshman.

My parents want me to ship my entire belongings home but I don’t want to. I did my research and it would be a lot cheaper if I paid for storage and kept all my stuff there till next fall because during the summer I always split the cost with two other friends anyways. However my parents said “that the future can’t be determined, what will l do if I end up not being able to come back?” Personally I usually think just like them, very realistic with everything, but not this time, especially during my circumstances. I am telling myself that I will be back 110% healthy and ready to dance again, and by leaving my belongings in storage will give me the motivation I need to recover and come back. I believe if I send my entire stuff home, first of all I know I am going to get very comfortable home and not want to come back, therefore that’s why I have to leave my stuff here. That’s another reason for me to come back and finish. My parents aren't happy with my decision but oh well, they have to trust in me and that have faith in my life choices.

Starting Thanksgiving break I will be packing up my room. It’s going to be hard but this is what I need to do, not only for my injuries but for my mind as well. Everyone needs a little break in their life at some point or another. 

Tuesday 11/19/13

It’s been one month and one day.

Second doctor’s appointment.

Results?

No surgery!!

And.

Two more weeks of crutches.

Then weight with boot on. 

Injuries Part 2:

In my last post I talked about how my first two injuries changed the way I looked at dance. This week I will be talking about the first encounter I faced during the beginning of my new injury.

I broke and sprained my right foot on October 21, 2013. The cafeteria was having an 80’s them with music and decorations and of course as a dancer I started to dance, even though the doctors told me I was not allowed to. Then there I go being a fool and I go for a giant leap and I then land horribly wrong. I immediately knew what was wrong. I had broken the same bone on my left foot when I was younger and it felt like the same pain as before. I walked out of the cafeteria as calmly as I could so no one would know that I got injured. I live in building A of the dorms, which is not far from the commons at all and when I got to my room my foot had already swollen with a huge bump on the side.

Two Hours Later!

                               

I have to say I am quite proud of myself for not crying at all this time. I know that it is my fault and I took full responsibility. Accepting my mistakes was the easy part, accepting the fact that I won’t always be able to do things on my own and sometimes I have to ask for help was the hard part. I have never been the kind of person to ask for help if I know I can do it or if I know I can figure it out. I feel as if I am bothering people and I just don’t like to feel helpless. But I realized that being able to ask for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s actually a sign of strength. Even though I've gotten better about asking for help, I still tend to try to do things on my own. It’s only natural of me.

Here's some more photos from my recovery process :)

 

                                                         

         
















         

Injuries:

People always say having injuries changes the way you view life and it is so true. However this didn’t really affect me the first two times I sprained my left ankle. I actually approached the situation horribly wrong. I allowed my depression take over my life. I started eating more and I got really lazy, which didn’t help with the Holidays coming up. Still to this day I am trying to shed off those couple of extra pounds I put on during my recovery process.

I would be lying if I said that nothing changed on how I viewed things because a little did in relation to dance. The times I would go to class I was able to really listen to my instructors and really get a clear understanding on their study of dance. It was such an amazing experience being able to sit, watch and listen. It is something that majority of dancers never get to do and I believe it is too great of an experience not to give it a chance, except of course not the getting injured part.

Anyways getting this opportunity to observe in class really helped me when I started to take class again. It wasn't easy; it took me about 3-4 weeks until I was able to do big jumps again. I had to work small and work my way back up. But while doing so I was able to apply what I learned by observing to my training. I was working in a new way. I was more aware of my body and my alignment. I found it very crazy to think that in order for myself to experience this, I needed to get injured. And I really do think there’s a difference in my dancing this year and in my studies of dance. Not only because I felt it, which can be misleading because you don’t always look the way you feel, but also because I received complements on my dancing and growth by fellow classmates. 

54 Days, 6 Hours, 53 Minutes, 31 Seconds:

A little background on my life and my family; both my parents are from Mexico, both came from families of 11 or more, grew up and worked on the farm. My parents are very old school and traditional, so you can just imagine how difficult it was for my oldest sibling. I am the youngest of 5 and my oldest sister is 38. Yea I know my parents are quit old. They never understood why someone would go to school in another state or go across the country and until myself all my siblings commuted to school.

It was a really hard transition leaving home for college, not only for myself but for majority of my family if not all. And to top it all off, my mom had the hardest time adjusting to it since I am the baby of the family.

I would have to say this is the worst year so far, when it comes to being homesick. I believe the reason is because I don’t have my family with me while I am dealing with all of my injuries (double sprain on my left ankle, exterior and interior bone spur in my left ankle, and fractured my fifth metatarsal with a sprain on my right foot).

 I cannot wait till the day I go back home. I even downloaded an application called T-Zero that can count down the months, days, minutes, and even seconds till the day I leave. I miss my family very much. I plan to do a lot of touristy stuff while I am home deciding what to do for the next school year, such as visiting China Town in LA, going to Beverly Hills and taking that tour of Universal Studios and many more. I want to start taking advantage of all that California offers. I want to take my mom with me as much as she is able to do. There is a lot I haven’t done but there is way more that she will never get the chance to do, so I want to give her all I can. That’s what I am looking forward to being home. And of course just being with my family and best friends. 

California vs. North Carolina Clubs:

There are defiantly better clubs in Southern California than North Carolina but of course we still have those shitty clubs. I have found some clubs in NC that I have liked but they do not compare to CA. In CA the clubs are designed better and they are always really packed and loud. Plus we have the number one gay club in LA and it’s amazing.

The designed isn't the only thing that sets LA aside to NC, it’s also the music and the themes they have. For example some nights they have drag shows, drag competitions, Britney, Katy or Beyonce night. When they have these nights they tend to play the artist new album and/or all their big hits throughout the night. This is really fun because majority of the people there are big fans of these artist so everyone is having a good time which is very noticeable. Also what I like about the clubs in LA is that the dance floor is usually shoulder to shoulder and everyone is dancing!!! Unlike some of the clubs in NC where I have room to do a whole dance routine if I wouldn't too. But I am not saying that is a bad thing because I do like that sometimes but if I have looking to party my ass off, I would prefer to go to LA.

The thing about NC clubs that I don’t like is that not everyone there looks like they are having a good time. I still haven’t been to some of the really good clubs in NC so I am only speaking from my experiences so far. Also just as I had mentioned in my last post I don’t like how the clubs here in NC are very unpredictable. You never know is this weekend is going to have a lot of people and they are going to play good music.

Nevertheless I have yet had any experiences at the bars and clubs in CA while being 21. So I have no insight on the prices of drinks and comparison on the bars from CA and NC. 

Warehouse 29:

I’ve been to this club in the past during my freshmen year and I always had a blast. They had different nights such as Latin, Gay or even Hip Hop. However I’ve been twice this school year and they have both been gay nights. When I’ve told people about this club, their response was “oh that gay club.” So I am guessing it has transformed into always being a gay club. Anyways generally Warehouse 29 is fun but not the best club to go to. The drinks are overpriced and it’s unpredictable when they will have a packed night. Which I believe if it’s a good club, every weekend will be a packed night.

Even though it wasn’t packed I still had a good time with my friends, but I always tend to have fun anywhere I go. I’m not a person that needs the dance floor to be packed with people before being able to go up and dance. I know what you are all thinking, “It’s because you are a dancer, you guys don’t get embarrassed,” which in fact is false. I wasn’t always this way.

I vividly remember my first time going to the club, it was my 18^th birthday and I did the two-step dance the entire night. For those of you who don’t know what the two-step is, it’s when you step side to side when you don’t know how to dance. Believe it or not, I as a dancer had no idea what to do at the club. So trust me, not every dancer feels comfortable going to the club and dancing even if no one is. I believe it all builds up over time the more you put yourself out there. 

Everyone Has Those Days:

There are those days when everything is getting better and I start feeling hope for my dance career due to my foot injury. But then there are those days when all I want to do is chop my foot off because of the unbearable pain. The feeling is unbelievable, it gets stuck, stiff, when I point my foot something in the back pops, and it feels as if there is a sharp bone making its way to the surface of my skin.And when I have those days all I want to do is cry my eyes out, I feel that my foot is hopeless and it is never going to get better. But then again I could be over reacting as I usually do.

However what makes these days worse is that during my dance classes, usually when it’s at a very slow pace and I am bored, I start to think about all the stuff I need to get done.

Here’s a lovely list ;)

- Withdraw from school

          (which means I need someone from my department, financial aid, housing, director or res life, student accounts, and register office to sign a piece of paper)

- apply for schools for next semester

- apply for schools for next school year 

- find out how much the schools cost and what school accepts my credits from UNCSA

- start sending my belongings home $ L

- pay for my orthotics for my foot more $ L

(Orthotics are specially made insoles that go in your shoe to help with people that have arch             problems with their foot)

- get better supported shoes $ L

And the list goes on and on and never ends.

So you can just imagine my stress level right now but it helps having such a supportive family and friends that help me whenever I need it.  And even though I have made my decision it’s getting to me; when I bought my flight ticket (one way) and when I packed my first box of belongs that I am sending home. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh it literally feels like more work and stress getting ready for the next path in my life I am going to take than when I was trying to decide if I wanted to stay or leave, weird huh? 

Thursday Night:

So Thursday night my friends and I went to Last Resort again. Honestly I just needed a drink and I really liked last Resort the last I went so I figured I would have a good time, even though I would have rather used a different location for this week’s post. It was nice, definitely a different feel since last time we were celebrating my friends 21st birthday so that meant tequila shots, and that always puts Carlos in a good mood. 

Of course I had to start the night off with Last Resorts bucket drink and you are in luck I remember to take a picture this time. But something that I noticed while being there, if you order your bucket from the outside bar, you get less. The inside bar fills it up higher and it taste better too. ;)

Oh and before I forget if you like draft beer you might want to start ordering that from the beginning because they will run out super quickly. This is because a cup is $1 and a pitcher is $6. I'm not an expert but I believe that's a pretty good deal. 

Going back to my night, I had a great time but I think my first time will always be my best time there. Everything has to do with it, the people, music, drinks, etc. But nevertheless I will always have a great time when I go. Something I noticed while drinking is that I get really protective of my friends, which isn't weird but it gets to the point where I will get in someone's face if they disrespect my girlfriends by slapping their ass or anything else. My friends call it SDD, straight drunk disease. :D 

Friday Night:

Now Friday night was a completely different environment, I went to a house party and let me tell you I was bored out of my mind. First of all it was a party for a student that just turned 18, enough said. Note to self never party with people that are younger than you because they either can't control their shit or are super immature and sloppy! I was literally sitting down on twitter for most of the time. 

A few friends and I later went to a different gathering that was going on as well and yea, let's just say thank goodness my weekend started on Thursday because I've realized I'm not into the whole house party scene. It's just not that fun being around drunk sloppy people who you know and there's no one dancing. At least at clubs and some bars people like to dance and have a good time. Plus by going out into the community you get to socialize and meet new people that are one thing I've enjoyed so far being 21, is the socializing. 

Thursday 9/12/13:

I know I originally said I would incorporate my counseling sessions with my bar/club/party experiences but I thought this was way more important that one of my counseling sessions I've been to, and plus this all has to deal with what I talk about during my sessions anyways, so here it goes :)

 9/12/13 1:00pm

After talking to one of the faculty members of the dance department I felt good. She told me that she supports me with whatever I decide to do and she is willing to help me in any way means possible. But she also gave me some really good advice on what steps I should think about to do next with my foot injury. I guess you can say I left on a pretty positive note. 

2:00pm

I then met with my Athletic Trainer who I have been seeing since my first sprain of my ankle, FYI: I sprained my left ankle twice last school within a one month period which caused me to have Posterior Ankle Impingement now. Well my Trainer told me that it will be a pretty long recovery and that if the treatments/exercises don't work then we would have to talk about other options, for example cortisone shots or even surgery. I can't imagine having to get surgery so I am going to do whatever it takes so it doesn't get that far.

3:45pm

The decision seems to get harder and harder as the days go by. I thought I knew what I wanted to do but whenever I talk to someone about it, it makes me hesitate to tell my family the final decision.  I wish life wasn't this hard and someone would just give you an outline of what to do step by step. But let's be real the world would be one boring life and we would have no obstacles to overcome and grow from. So I guess I'm just complaining for nothing and making a big deal for no reason.

But with all notes aside, this is a difficult and complicated period in my life. And yes I do accept that once I overcome this roller coaster that it will help define who I am but as of right now I can't help but to cry out for help!! So I ask of all of you or those I have gone to for help to when you are giving me advise to be careful and think twice of what you are going to say. Because the advise you give me can easily manipulate my decision to be what you want for me and not what's best for me. 

I believe that's what's  causing my mind to continue to run around in circles, and I'm running out of breath, the wheels are starting to rust, I'm running out of time, and I just need a break! 

7:00pm

I got the chance to speak with my dean and it made everything better! She gave me the reassurance that my plan of actions is great and she supports me %100. She even told me that if she was me, she would do the same thing. 

12:00am

I finally made the decision and told my entire family and they completely support me which is defiantly making everything easier and I know all they want is what is best for me and I believe right now in my life, this is what’s best for me. So I guess all's that's left is to tell all of you...This is my last semester at School of The Arts. It’s been a difficult decision however I think it will be good for me. I don't know exactly what I will be doing next but I will soon figure it out :)

The Last Resort:

This was my first time here and I had a great time with my friends celebrating my friends 21st day. However it was very interesting going here because it was manly a place for Wake Forest students and it was quite obvious. You either saw current Frat or Sorority members or soon to be members. Majority of the men where in polo shirts and Sperry's.
What I didn't like is that there was a dance floor which is obviously suppose to be used for dancing but considering the amount of people that was at Last Resort, there was no one dancing, a waste of space! However I really liked the set up of the place: two bars, one outside and one inside, pool table inside and a patio outside where people can dance if they like. Of course us Art School kids who are also dancers took advantage of the space outside and dance the night away. I think that is what made it so fun for me, which was the people that I went with. Which I believe has a huge impact on the experience.

Their drink special are pretty good in my opinion for someone who just turned 21 and they also have this thing called the Last Resort Bucket I believe, I could be wrong but it is only $6 and it is a mixer of random alcohol, juices and sodas. Also each time it is made it taste a little different do to what is available at the moment. I diffidently recommend it!